Speaker Introduction: Greg Liberman of Spark NetworksPosted: April 10, 2011
Greg Liberman is not a person; Greg Liberman is a machine. Anybody suspecting otherwise has been ill-informed and is probably susceptible to influence from the darker regions of the Sprawl and Wintermute. If this is the case you should consider jacking out now to avoid Tessier Ashpool’s black ICE.
I’m 100 percent sure that the “man” known as Gregory Liberman was simply so well-engineered as to throw the results of the Voight-Kampf test* while amassing degrees from Stanford, the University of Chicago, and Harvard. His background as both a lawyer and a business development executive underscore my doubts about his classification as a carbon-based bipedal mammal; no human could accomplish that much work without forgoing sleep. I suspect Greg is using mono-filament to animate a lean exoskeleton, but I’ll leave the technical concerns to the fine folks over at Viterbi.
Dig Greg-o-tron’s resume prior to becoming the pres-bot and chief operating android officer at Spark:
-General Counsel for CytRx Corporation (biotech… of COURSE)
-Senior corp development / legal at Global Crossing
-Legal at Global Center
-Legal at Exodus
-Corporate and security attorney at Orrick, Herrington, and Sutcliffe LLP
Of course you all know Spark due to its powerful and unyielding presence in the field of online dating. Spark is the parent company of many popular dating sites such as Jdate.com, BlackSingles.com, ChristianMingle.com and LDSMingle.com. Mr. Liberman’s processors and quad-core engineering are integral components in the success and continued evolution of the Spark network, and will doubtlessly lead AI to singularity in a matter of months. I should note that they were sadly unable to purchase robodate.com, but kikai-date is still available should Japan’s robots be in need of computer love in the future.
In addition to being a shining beacon in the world of multi-tasking, the Greg Liberman 4.0 model utilizes real language programming so efficiently that it can pen interview pieces for Jmag.com, where he investigates the thought processes of human beings while they pontificate about life and love. He even fooled both Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy simultaneously, rivaling his cyber-brother Watson in the “wow” department.
Despite his endless need for input and high-viscosity oil, Greg also understands the human experience enough to do good via his network, thus breaking his Turing locks and ushering forth totally empathy with those of us stuck in the meatspace. For example, he describes an event that saved a life on Jdate thusly:
“Through a partnership with the Gift of Life (a bone marrow registry facilitating transplants for patients worldwide in need of life-saving donors), one JDate member even made a life-saving match, and a successful bone marrow transplant was made.”
Such evidence leads me to believe that despite his solid-state hard drives and USB 3.0 inputs, Greg Liberman is indeed a good Maschinenmensch.
(Translation: we’ve lucked out and we can stop preparing the bunkers.)
Ladies and gentleman, I am proud to present to you Cyberdyne’s most advanced prototype to date. Let’s all welcome our new robotic dating overlord Mr. Gregory Liberman.
PS: You can read his bio at Spark.Net.
* = Yes, this is my 300th Blade Runner reference of the semester. Do I win an owl?