Dear Internet… Will You Be My Valentine?

This being the 14th of February and Valentine’s day, I wanted to tell everyone I love the iPhone 4 so much that:

14. The only blackberries I care about are the ones I pick while vacationing in Connecticut.
13. I turn up my nose at how so 2000 people with flip phones are.
12. I will feel bad in a few months at how so 2010 my iPhone 4 is when the iPhone 5 comes out.
11. I get excited when I hear the new mail alert, even when it’s just the latest from CVS pharmacy.
10. I find myself watching movies through the Netflix app, even when I’m in my apartment with a 42 inch television.
9. I use it to browse the Internet and take notes, even when I have my Macbook handy. Or I use both at the same time and look like the ultimate Apple fanboy.
8. I pretend I speak Chinese and Italian by using the Google translate app, highly annoying my sister who really does speak Chinese and Italian.
7. I now believe the hype about cloud computing. Having tried music services like Mog and Rhapsody, which will let you stream or download any song you like, I am ready to throw away my record collection (and delete Apple’s own iTunes).
6. I use Foursquare so that muggers and stalkers know where I am at all times.
5. I also use Foursquare to become mayor of my own apartment.
4. I use the Hipstamatic print app to take ugly green tinted photos that look like they’ve been decaying in a closet for 50 years and upload them to my Facebook so that everyone sees how “artsy” I am.
3. I finally understand what this whole Angry Birds thing is all about.
2. I watch the money I’m spending on my data plan sucked out of my bank account each month, right through my US Bank app.
1. I pay for my Starbucks by swiping my iPhone, even though swiping a credit card is faster, just so I am officially the biggest douchebag in that Starbucks. Which is usually quite an accomplishment.

Thanks iPhone 4!


Dear Internet,

You’re hot.

I love you.

Will you be my valentine?



p.s. You complete me…you are funny, smart, sexycute and cool.



Love (both in and out of this club)

Valentine’s Day greetings to the Internet… Stay tuned!


To: Internet

From: Kabir

I wrote this for you on this special day:

When I need the score to a game I missed,

Don’t have a TiVO, TV or dish,

Start with three W’s,  ESPN in the line,

To see the Knicks still lost, by fifteen this time.

When I can’t believe that this movie got made,

Knowing the actress helped the producer get laid,

Start with three W’s, IMDb in the line,

Kutcher bombs again, reads the headline.

I see a celebrity, drunken disorder,

Mini-skirt no panties, TLC’s Whore-ders,

Start with three W’s, TMZ on the line,

Freeze frame with zoom? This should be a crime.

When you feel narcissistic, in 140 characters or less,

The whole world should know, you just bought a dress,

Start with three W’s, Twitter on the line,

Kardashian said THAT?! What a female canine.

Lest we forget to check on our friends,

Tagging, poking, and updates, it really never ends,

Start with three W’s, Facebook on the line,

And give Mark more money, his own oil pipeline.

And what are you, without your porn,

Always reminded, how babies are born,

Change the W’s to X’s or something sexy you see,

Keep doing that and go blind, my mother told me.

So this is my gratitude, a thank you if you will,

Til you become self-aware, like SkyNet and kill

I’ll keep typing W’s and words on the line,

But that Nigerian Prince needs my money, and his mortgage cosigned.

Dear Social Media,

I had begun to view you for the most part as in inferior means of communication used by people who suffer from first world personality crisis and conspicuous consumption issues. I had started to see you solely as a crutch used by those with an inability to make real connections with people, and I felt jilted and aloof when I thought of you.

Then you went and helped to free Egypt.

On Monday I’ll leave the key under the door mat, internet. I have a LOT of jazz records that you provided me with, and a bottle of 18 year-old single malt scotch from that store you helped me find.

Let’s make this V-day count.

Yours again if you want me,


PS: If class doesn’t end on time I’ll Tweet about it. Oh and I’m car-pooling so if we get yogurt I’ll let you know. I like to be a team player, and you know I have a sweet tooth. Xoxo.


Dear Twitter,

I know our relationship has been fragile and uncertain at times, but on this Valentine’s Day I wanted to write and let you know how much I have come to appreciate you.  I have realized how much important information I have missed by not being closer to you this past year.  I do appreciate the time you let me know that Kim had used 50 cloves of cooking when making Korean bbq (luckily we all avoided that dish!) and also when the Victor family arrived safely in Antarctica (I was a little jealous for a  couple of days there).  I was also happy to learn via Twitter that Ami was over her breakup with the boyfriend we all loved and was partying at BurningMan with a new guy we have never met.

I am sorry that I missed all the public declarations of love between Demi and Ashton, and that Jessica Simpson thanked God for giving her a fiancée with a perfect tush.  I am still not sure who Justin Bieber is but I am happy to see that his movie is in theaters now.   I see that all of the “Real Housewives” and Kimora have jumped on the twitter bandwagon, I can’t wait to see what I will be able to learn from them.

I am also happy to see that organizations such as USAID, the Peace Corps, and the Challenged Athletes Foundation are working with you.  Please be kind to them, non profits and ngos need some extra attention in this day and age.  We know it is harder for some of them to adapt to new technologies, any help you can give them is wonderful.  Bravo also for your adaption by grass-root social causes, most recently in Egypt.  I hope the archiving of these records will live for the ages.

Dear Twitter, I know I have hated you, and I have considered breaking up when you told me that Adrian had a bagel for breakfast and was sitting in traffic on his way to work at 10am (we all know his day started at 8 am…). Recent events have shown me that with proper care, our relationship could work.  I am willing to commit to you and see how we can build for a stronger connection.




My dear Internet,

I can’t help but noticed you’ve been distracted lately. You just seem so distant since you switched to IPv6…I know it’s a big step for you, but I can’t help but feel left behind. What we had was so special. We used to spend long nights together, googling until the wee hours of the morning. But ever since he came along, it’s all been different. He’s all you ever talk about, he’s all over home page and search result. Don’t deny it, you know who I’m talking about: Bieber. That flippy haired freak has stolen what we had. So I came here tonight to prove to you that I can offer you everything he has, and more. So without further ado, I present my better-than-Bieber ode to the Internet:

SEO Crazy

(To the tune of “She Drives Me Crazy” by the Fine Young Cannibals)

I can’t stop

Clicking your links,

But your landing page

Makes it hard to think.

Tell you what,

I got in mind,

‘cause IPv4,

is out of time.

Can’t we Google?

Or maybe Bing.

Cause search results

Are kind of my thing.

(Oh yeah)

I’m SEO Crazy

Uh uh

I like to Google myself

Uh uh

I’m SEO Crazy

And I can’t help myself

If that didn’t remind you of how things used to be, dear Internet, then I’m afraid our love will die faster than Internet Explorer. I’ll always remember the good times we had, and I’ll undoubtedly spend many sleepless night just hoping you’ll Google my name.

Forever yours,



Dear Wifi,

Much Ado about Wifi

“Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of
your grace: for trouble being gone, comfort should
remain; but when you depart from me, sorrow abides
and happiness takes his leave.”

Leonato, Act 1, Scene 1 Much Ado about Nothing

Yours truly,



Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤ Sasha


Hi Internet,

Wow, look at us.  It’s been a while.  I remember when we first met back when I was in 6th grade.  My friend gave me sheets of Street Fighter 2 cheat codes and when I asked him where he got this treasure, he replied “Prodigy”.  That’s back when you guys were friends.  Whatever happened to Prodigy? Oh well.

Over the years, you’ve helped me keep in touch with friends.  Sure some people took typing classes to become proficient on the keyboard,  but I managed just fine with years of IMing on AOL (remember that guy? I hear he just hooked up with Huffington Post).  Even to this day, AIM and gChat are my constant companions.

Throughout my undergraduate college career, you where there to help me pull up information for any project in seconds.  And then, you  know, Wikipedia became a pretty cool study buddy.  Shoot, even if I’m not researching for school, you’re there to help me pull up information for anything anytime.  Speaking of that, let’s research a vacation for this coming summer, k?

Oh also, I just wanted to thank you all the lolz in recent years.  And the memes, oh the memes! And I can’t forget the funny Youtube videos (plus, of course, the occasional informative/serious video).

I don’t want to drag this out, but the last thing I want to mention is the social media websites.  That’s a pretty cool thing you’ve got going on there, internet. It started with Friendster for me back in 2003 and has progressed, but I’ve been hooked since.  I love that it makes it so easy to keep in touch with friends and my entire network. Some people scoff at it, but it’s all about moderation and knowing how to use those sites.  But what’s great is that social media is not only for sharing goofy pictures with friends, but look what it did in the 2008 presendial campaign, and how it connects people into communities, and look what it did to help the 2011 Egyptian revolution.  It’s just a good thing that’s only getting better.

So this was just a quick little note letting you know, Internet (are you still going by interwebz these days?), that you’re my e-Valentine.

Less than three,


Dear APOC Blog,

I am sorry I misunderstood you. I thought you wanted me to do a post on the blog…but it looks like I was supposed to post under Kabir’s blog.  I am not sure if I should take down the other post and just post here. I am so confused.

I want to love you APOC blog and fill you up with interesting headlines…but I haven’t yet. I will soon. I promise. It’s not you, it’s me. The timing has been off. But together, I know we can work it out.

Just wait, you will see, it will only get better.

Your Valentine,



Dear Apps,

Sometimes pictures say more than words.

Love you dearly,



A series of love-themed limericks about the internet…

A person I follow on Twitter,
Tends to be angry and bitter.
About life she gripes,
At politicians she swipes,
But for cat pics her heart goes a’pitter.

I just got a call from my father,
Who begged not be seen as a bother.
He had questions for me,
About his PC,
And why AOL had no Keyword for Blogger.

I’m carrying on with The ‘Net,
My fiance doesn’t know yet.
When I browse through his memes,
He fulfills my dreams.
I’m in love with this digital gent.

xoxo, Jen


Scott Volk
sctvlk Scott Volk
@internet I love you and I’m so sorry I forgot about Valentines Day!!!

One Comment on “Dear Internet… Will You Be My Valentine?”

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